When I was young, I was naive and gullible and even though that still holds true, somewhat, I was 100x more naive back then and that’s saying something. I don’t like to think a lot about my childhood. I don’t like to think about it or talk about it and not because it was all so terrible because there was good too. No, I don’t like to think about it because it’s weird for me. I grew up in a small town and in school we had an established hierarchy from the time I walked in those double doors my first day of kindergarten. My last name didn’t hold much merit in the town and I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough at sports to be considered popular. I wasn’t exactly at the bottom of the class but I wasn’t at the top. In school I was good enough to be seen but not good enough to be noticed. It bothered me when I was little and I tried to “make friends” with the popular girls but after so many times of them ditching me, I gave up on that. I still cared but I stopped trying. I buried myself behind books. I lost myself in my writing. I found love in music and art class. I became the choir geek and the band geek. I was the nerd, the book worm. You know it’s different back in school. You see, in the real world, we admire those with intelligence and we revere those who are creative. Not everyone but a lot of people. We create museums to showcase art. We pay hundreds of dollars to go to concerts and hear great musicians play but in school, being creative and smart doesn’t make you popular. So I set my shoulders back and amidst all the bullying, I stopped caring. I was who I was and I wouldn’t apologize for it. Everyone says they miss high school so much but I don’t. I couldn’t wait to get out and I’m glad to be gone. Even today, really the only time I think about High School is so I can look back and be grateful for how much has changed and how I love the life I have now. I’m sure you all have stories like mine. You were the rejects and the outcasts. You were bullied and pushed around in High School and Junior High. I hope your life is better than it was and I want to say I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for making it through school. I’m proud of you for pushing through the bullying and looking towards the future. Even if your life isn’t everything you wish it was right now I want you to know I’m rooting for you. People underestimate you and the difference you can make but don’t let that change the impact you will make on this world. You are beautiful and strong. Don’t stop. Don’t give up.
With the new show 13 Reasons Why that came out I thought it appropriate to make a blog post about suicide. Don’t worry I’m not going to do a post about how suicide is the answer, which after watching that show it seems to suggest that suicide is. Quite the contrary, this post is four reasons why I think suicide is NEVER the answer. (There are plenty more these are just the four I’m saying).
Please don’t get me wrong with this, I know how hard life can get sometimes; believe me I know but suicide isn’t the answer and honestly I’m a little appalled at how that show points to suicide as if it is. So here goes…
- Things always get better. I had a very hard upbringing. I grew up in a broken home, I was bullied relentlessly in school, I was kicked out of multiple homes, and I’ll be honest I thought about suicide for a while when I was a teenager. I just couldn’t see my life getting better. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, years later, my life is great. It’s not great because I make a ton of money or live in a huge house. My life is great because I’m happy. I found the love of my life. I live modestly and I found my passion and love for life through art. I couldn’t see this years ago but I would hate to think, if i had ended it all, that I wouldn’t be here now to enjoy this. You just have to wait. It doesn’t happen right away. It took almost 8 years for me to get here but I promise you it will get better.
- Suicide is not what you think it is. I think people look at suicide as a peaceful solution. It’s the common belief that the world would be better off without you but I am here to say that isn’t true. Suicide isn’t peaceful. I was 16 when I found my brother surrounded by pill bottles. Thankfully he got to the hospital in time but that experience, for any of those involved, was not peaceful. It’s terrifying and ugly and heart wrenching. The world would not be better off without you. You matter even if it feels like you don’t. I don’t know your story and I don’t know what you’re going through but I can tell you that you matter. Suicide won’t erase any of your pain and torment, it just causes others to feel the pain you feel.
- There’s more of the world to see. How can you think you hate the world and all those in it so much that you would kill yourself to get away but you haven’t even seen all the world? There is so much more to see and so much more to do. Have you seen the sunset against the ocean? Have you seen the way the world looks so small from the top of the mountain? When was the last time you looked up at the stars and marveled at the wonders of the universe? You have more time to see the world and explore. You just have to keep going. The world is 1000 times more beautiful than it is ugly but you have to be around to see it.
- You can change your life. Maybe the reason you’re considering suicide is you aren’t happy with your life. Maybe you’ve gotten a divorce. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one. Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you don’t like your school. I don’t know but what I do know is you can change it. That’s easier said than done I know but it’s true. You can change everything right now. You can follow your dreams, however impossible they may seem. Chase them and don’t let anyone stop you. Stop caring about people who don’t care about you. Surround yourself with people who love you and want you to succeed and even if you have to go at it alone, do it. Find the life the makes you happy. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you don’t like who you are then change it.
Suicide isn’t a solution. If you are considering it please talk to someone. There is so much more for you in this life. There’s so much more to see and do. You will find your place in this world eventually. Just give it time. In the meantime, be patient and find your way. Be kind to others, even those who aren’t kind to you. You never know what anyone is going through.
Nothing brings about feelings of nostalgia quite like a thunderstorm. I love when the night is filled with bright bursts of lightening and great cracks of thunder. I love the sound of the rain hitting the roof. Memories of my childhood surround and cocoon me; like a warm, familiar, blanket. Storms have always been a fascination of mine. Even at a young age, I loved to walk around the farm in the rain and often I would refuse to come in the house until after the rain had subsided.
My older sister was quite the opposite. She hated the rain and would shriek in terror when a powerful burst of thunder shook our home. I’m not sure why or how we turned out so very different, in our affection or distaste toward storms. I don’t think I could ever get tired of storms. They are both terrifying and wonderful to me. I love the way the sky turns a deep, dark gray. I love the way the rain feels against my skin and how lightening looks absolutely breathtaking flashing across the sky.
Storms seem to wash away all feelings of loneliness or inadequacy and instead leaves a quiet calm within me. When I’m a Mother, I hope to teach my children how nothing can chase away sadness or anger quite like a storm. I’ll teach them how rain can wash away any sorrow and how thunder can chase away any rage. For now though, I will sit here and reminisce, sipping my coffee and appreciate how incredibly awe – inspiring storms really are.
Mrs. Welling heels clicked against the floor as she paced the front of the classroom, stopping at the front of each row to count the correct amount of papers for each student and then passing them down. I got my paper and passed back the rest. Written in large, bold, black letters was the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I’m sure we all experienced a day like this in school. From a young age I was asked this question. My answers varied depending on how old I was. I wanted to be a doctor or a farmer like my Father. I wanted to be a tax consultant like my Mom or a cake baker like my Grandma.
Once I graduated High School and began my first year in College, it started becoming more and more important that I actually choose a career. Talking with my career counselor one day, the only thing I could tell her was that I wanted to help people. She suggested social work as a career for me.
During my few years in college I tried multiple different careers. I shadowed social workers, I joined a deaf education and special education program, and I tried to go into nursing. All of these were dead ends for me for various reasons.
I couldn’t find my niche and I began to grow frustrated, wondering if I would every find out where I was meant to go and who I was meant to be. There seemed to be this incredible pressure for me to decide where I fit but I couldn’t find out where that was.
Nearing the end of my third year of college I felt hopeless and I lost all ambition for school. I was working two jobs and doing school full time and still had no idea what career I was going into. I’m not sure at what moment I decided but one night I sat down and thought that I was sick of working my ass off just because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.”
I am a college dropout. Cue the shocked murmurs and gasps. I went to my counselor one day, signed the forms and walked out of that school for the last time. It was the first time in my life where I wouldn’t have to go to school or do homework and “choose a career.” And let me tell you there was a sense of freedom about that.
School is great for some people and I admire those who can go and get their masters or doctorates. Really you guys are troopers. But I truly believe, school is not for everyone. I did well at school from the time I was little. I was a straight A student which is why when I told my family I had dropped out, they were surprised and shocked.
I think there is a stigma that surrounds people who are college dropouts. People seem to think college dropouts are the ones who couldn’t make it because they weren’t “smart enough” or “motivated enough” but that’s not true.
We were taught, from the time we were little, that college was the way to go; that the only way you could succeed at life was if you got a degree. I don’t believe that is true. I think there are other paths in life to choose besides the college route.
Now when my family asks me what I plan to do, they don’t like the answer that I’m going to try to write a book and work on my art. Those aren’t real careers to them but they are real to me. I find my happiness in books and writing. I find myself and who I am in my art.
I may never be rich like I could’ve if I’d went to school to be a doctor but I can be happy. I think too often people spend their life searching for money instead of happiness. I don’t want to be the person who wakes up everyday hating their job and is counting down the days to their retirement. I want my life to mean more than that. I want to make a difference and leave my mark on this world, even it’s only through a book I wrote or a painting I leave behind.
There are many paths in life you can choose and I’m here to tell you college isn’t the only one. So find what makes you happy, not what can pay you the most. I may be a college dropout and I may not be rich but I am happier than I ever was before and I think that counts for something.
(Saturday morning rants. Thanks for reading <3)
I am fairly new to everything blogging…okay let’s be honest, I have never had a blog before. I’ve always wanted to blog. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was mostly curiosity or maybe it’s because I’ve grown tired of talking to myself, so i wanted the opportunity to share my thoughts with others (lucky you right?). Let me start by saying I am no one special. It’s only my passion for art and writing that sets me apart and often times I long for others to talk to who may share these creative tendencies with me. I live a modest life and I enjoy my life greatly most days. It has always been my goal in life to help people but I have always struggled with how exactly to do that. That is where this blog comes into play. I don’t have a theme or set idea for this blog. This blog is just a way to reach out to others and to share my thoughts on everyday happenings and problems in life. It is my hope that I can share my thoughts and experiences with others here and perhaps help a few people along the way. This blog is open to everyone and I hope overtime it will make some small difference. So stick around to read some more posts!
Happy Thursday 🙂